When I Stop Asking God For “Clarity”

Trust in Hebrew: confidence, security, and hope.

Can also be defined as to abide and rest inside the goodness of God. Being protected, embraced, and surrounded by His companion and favor.

Often time I would wonder, and wonder some more, and then pray after being tired of wondering, asking God for clarity of something that is happening in my life.

Clarity.

Yes.

Isn’t it why we all keep asking the “WHY?” questions?

Why is this happening to me?

Why am I going through this?

Why is He still not answering my prayer after so long?

Why this and why that.

Simply put, I want to understand what is going on, I want to have a clearer direction and certainty, so I can take a better control of the situation.

Unfortunately, a relationship with God is not about having clarity over our situation. It’s not about knowing exactly why some things happen, and some don’t. It’s not about understanding the why, the what, the how, the where, and the when of life.

It’s about trusting Him, even when everything doesn’t make sense.

Not easy, I know.

In fact, it’s hard. Big time.

I was once more like Thomas, one of Jesus’ core disciples. I had a hard time trusting Him in my everyday life. I couldn’t trust Him enough that He was more than able to provide, couldn’t trust Him enough that His timing was perfect, couldn’t trust Him enough that He had a bigger and better plan for me than my own selfish desire, couldn’t trust Him enough that He loved me more than anything to the point He died for me on the cross, and He made me perfect according to His image.

I was afraid to let Him take the steering wheel and just drive me to wherever destination He had in mind.

And that fear of trusting Jesus; made me not being able to know my Savior intimately.

That was why for many years of being a Christian; I kept on struggling with the same issues over and over again. Self-image, self-worth, bitterness, rejection, pride, jealousy, and many more issues.

Because I simply didn’t know my God intimately.

You see; it’s different between just knowing someone, and then knowing them intimately.

We don’t need to trust a person to know them, but if we want to know someone intimately, trust is required in the relationship.

The same principle applies to our relationship with Jesus.

If we want to have an intimate relationship with Him, we need to start trusting Him.

I know it’s hard, because trust requires openness and vulnerability. As a human, I don’t think anyone like to be vulnerable, since being vulnerable makes us more prone to hurt.

A while ago, when Jesus started having a boot camp in my life, I went through a lot of things that I didn’t understand. There were a lot of unanswered prayers, a lot of closed and opened doors, special people who came and go, a lot of heartbreaks, pain and tears.

And when I started asking questions and doubt began creeping in my heart, I didn’t get the clarity I desperately wanted, or in fact needed to hear. I only got a constant reminder of a still small voice that whispered gently in my heart, “Trust Me”.

Trust?

What does that even mean? How can I trust on something that I’m not even sure what to trust? What can I trust when everything is blurry and I have no solid ground to set my feet upon?

But so I did.

With confusion, I began to take a small step towards that “trust” He kept telling me to do. I was tired to do things my own way and resulting in dead ends, so I thought, why not this time I actually gave God a try.

When I began to walk seriously with Him, I learned that trusting Jesus is actually a series of decision-making process. It’s not like a magic show where our doubts, fears, insecurities, uncertainties suddenly disappear when we give him the wheel and let Him be the captain of our lives. It’s a daily commitment that requires our decision. Yes, it’s up to us whether or not we want to be in sync with Him today. Not yesterday, not tomorrow, but today. The present.

Proverbs 3:5

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.” – NLT

“Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own.” – The Message

The more I learn to trust Him, the more He reveals His characters to me, the more I know Him, and the deeper and more intimate our relationship is.

Now that I look back, I’m very grateful that He didn’t give the clarity I so desired, in exchange for a beautiful process that draws me closer to Him.

Trusting Him is the best decision I’ve ever made in my daily life. Not that I never doubt or fear anymore, I still do; but at least now I have more joy and peace just by knowing who’s in charge.

When I trust Him, I begin to realize that clarity will eventually come, but not without first walking the path of trust.

When I trust Him, I learn that He doesn’t require my perfect trust or faith. He simply wants me to be faithful.

When I trust Him, I start to understand that more than He wants me to go on a journey with Him; He wants to go on a journey WITH me!

Ultimately, when I trust Him, I begin to sink deeper in His perfect love.

“Every deep, intimate relationship is rooted in trust. Of course love is at the core of the relationship but without trust you can’t have love. I realized God is about relationship. He is about love ultimately.”

-       Mandy Dobbelmann

Notes:

A few tips that’s proven work in taking small steps of trusting God:

1. Allow the right thoughts to settle in our mind by meditating on His words (Phil 4:8)
2. Be grateful for everything He has done, is doing, and is going to do (Ephesians 5:20, Psalm 107:1)
3. Focus on your journey TODAY (Mat 6:34)
4. Communicate with Him (Phil 4:6)
5. Don’t wait, do it NOW!
6. Last but not least, Let Him be God and do His job :)

One Step...Two Steps...Baby Steps!

That's exactly what I feel when walking daily in faith.
Human nature always wants to know or at least have a certainty about what's gonna happen in the future.
But that's not how life works, right?
The more I spend time with my Heavenly Father, the more I know that we really have to walk daily in faith in the midst of all uncertainty. One step at a time.

So, I've been a Christian my whole life, but little did I know about living a Christ-like life. Fortunately for me, my life style changed due to the major crisis I faced last year.

Basically last year was really like a roller coaster for me, full of uncertainty.
And most of it was due to my career issue. After my intern contract had ended on Sept 2011, I was not able to find a job until the very last minute.
And being an international student under OPT, I had a time limit to find a job in the States. What's OPT? You can google it, I'm too lazy to give the explanation LOL.

Anyway, my OPT ended on Feb 13th 2012, and I still remembered it was nearly January but I had no single job offer. Only interviews after interviews.
There was a promising opportunity with a certain company, but at that time I was not sure where it would lead me.

The process itself was actually pretty speedy. I applied, and within that day they replied me back. A few days after, I got a phone interview from them, and the following week they scheduled an on-site interview.

But then I had to wait for about a month or so after the on-site interview for the decision, whether or not they were gonna hire me.
Within that waiting period, I really felt like I was lost. I didn't know what to do or where to go. It was like walking in the middle of a tunnel. I knew there would be a light at the end of it, but during that time, only darkness.

I was so close to give up and ready to go back to Indonesia, since reality showed me there was almost zero chance.
Thank God though I didn't really listen to my feelings and decided to just follow the lead of the Holy Spirit. Deep down in my Spirit and heart I knew God has given me this 1 position, even though I had not seen it yet.
So I prayed and fasted, and just filled my days with relationship with the Lord.
It was not easy at all. I had to make constant efforts to do it. My human nature and flesh wanted me to do nothing but worry, worry, worry, and worry to death. On the other hand, my Spirit kept telling me this verse from Matthew 6:34 whenever I was worried:

“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." - The Message


Like I said earlier, it was not easy at all!
But I tried my best to constantly remind myself with this verse and think about His goodness and promises, instead of thinking about what was in front of me.
Worry wouldn't help me even just 1 bit anyway.
The key was to keep my eyes on Jesus all the time. I also kept on speaking His promises over my life loudly. I put up all verses that encouraged me and would be a really good reminder during that time on the wall. So whenever I woke up, I'd read God's words first thing in the morning.

Then my breakthrough came in 3 days before my OPT ended.
It's still fresh in my memory, it was Friday, Feb 10th 2012 at 12pm. I was just doing my daily chores in the morning and was checking my email. Suddenly there was an email stating about the job offer from the company I was interviewing with. Finally they decided to offer me a full time position and they were also willing to sponsor me!
How awesome was that???

Some people might say I was lucky enough or because I worked hard and didn't give up. But I knew myself. I was actually beyond my limit as a human. The only thing that kept me going was Jesus. I wouldn't have had that much faith if the Holy Spirit hadn't been with me all the time. And I wouldn't have seen a miracle if God had not stretched my faith and my spiritual life beyond what I could be.

That event was a turning point of my life. A big one.
He used it to change the way I live my life, so I can experience His fullness.
I'm still nowhere near perfect, but looking back, I don't wanna go back to where I was.
Well, my life before was decent. But I was pretty slow or sometimes even stagnant in my spiritual progression.
I think the main problem lied within my mindset. I used to think I'd lose a lot of things that I liked to do if I was being even more serious in my relationship with Jesus. I wouldn't be able to do this or that, or go here or there anymore. That was why I didn't really wanna step up in my spiritual journey, even though I was already ministering, and already sharing about His goodness on this blog.

But oh boy, how wrong I was. After being in a serious relationship with Jesus (yes, Christianity is about relationship with Jesus, fellas. Not just some doctrines), I found out that the thing I used to enjoy wasn't that enjoyable anymore.
Just like what Apostle Paul said in the bible (I forgot the verse, but it's something along the line of the life he had in Jesus was more precious and enjoyable then the life he had before).
And from that point on, my spiritual life has progressed rapidly within a short period of time.

So, even though now I'm jobless again (I'll share this later after God answers everything), I'm not afraid that I won't be able to find a new job. I still have my time limit as an International worker, but I believe in my Heavenly Father more than I believe what the world says.
I have this peace in my heart that can't be bought by money. Some of my friends said I'm so relaxed and laid back on responding and handling the whole problem.

Well, the thing is I have a God who is able to do the miraculous; a God who's with me and in me; a God who fights against my enemies and will definitely give me victories; a God who knows the plan He has for me, the plan for good and not for disaster, the plan to give me future and a hope; and a God who's promised to make me to ride on the high places of the the earth, and will feed me with the heritage of Jacob.

Whom shall I fear? :)

--------------------------------------------

LOL that was quite a serious one, wasn't it?
Then next entry will be more chillax, light and sweet!
I promise! :D


Until then,

Mutia~